Thursday, October 9, 2008

Coming Out of the Closet

I learned a great lesson as I came out of the closet yesterday morning. You see, I woke up feeling very anxious and overwhelmed by day to day life. Instead of stopping immediately and giving it all to God, I just kept trying to push through in my own strength. Feelings of anxiety, guilt, and fear began to mount, and to and to top things off, I fell in my closet (I know, it is in dire need of a total makeover). I was reaching for the sewing machine you can see on the top shelf when I slipped and I came crashing down. HARD. Really, really hard. My son, Max, was the only eye witness to this horrible accident, and as I was lying on the floor trying to figure out which body parts were still attached and which ones would be no more, he just watched in horror without saying a word (maybe he said something, but I heard nothing at this point). Seriously, as I lay on the floor, I just wanted to quit. Quit what? I don't know. I guess I just felt like giving up on walking in faith. Faith that God is in control. My fall in the closet was an illustration of what's been going on in my life in the past few weeks. Everything seems to be crashing down. The kids are sick and therefore extremely needy ( I struggle with keeping up when they are all healthy:), one is having major struggles with his behavior at school, our finances just took a nose dive with some investments gone bad, my house is a disaster despite the fact that a huge part of my day-everyday is cleaning. Basically, I have lost control and my faith is really being tested. So as I lie there on the closet floor grasping my left wrist that seems to have taken the brunt of the fall, I begin to tell God that I want to quit. I can't do it anymore. It was in that moment that God spoke to me through my 4 year old son. Observing that I had been clutching my wrist for quite sometime, Max says, "Mom, you want me to put my hands on your wrist and ask Jesus to make it better?" I replied, "Yes, please." As I sat there on the floor while my 4 year old laid his hands on my hurting wrist and prayed believing, that Jesus would make it all better, I realized that it was so simple to Max. I was hurt and Jesus would make it better just as soon as we ask. I felt the Lord say to me, "Keep going, Holly. Trust my Spirit to give you the strength you need. You asked me to increase your faith. Don't quit. Your children's faith will start at the place where your faith stops."
WOW. I realized in that moment that my children will start their journey with God expecting to see the things I am begging Him to see. What takes every ounce of faith for me to believe now, they will already know because they witnessed God doing these things at a young age before fear and doubt could get in the way. You see, they don't know that it is a huge "mountain" for me to trust God to heal my friend from Parkinson's disease, or to trust God to pay the bills, or to trust God to use me in some way to advance His kingdom. They just see us pray and see God answer. It's that simple to them. I am learning that the mountains in our lives that we are crying out in faith for God to move will be but mere anthills to them. It will be without question to them that God heals, and provides, and uses his children to make His Name great. Those will be "normals" to them. Their "mountains" will be so far beyond anything we could ever imagine God doing. We cry out now for miraculous healings from God, they will be crying out for resurrections. We ask in faith for God to supply the just enough money to pay the bills, they will be asking for millions to advance His kingdom. We beg to be a part of a movement of God like we have never seen before, they will beg to be a part of a movement of God that no one in the history of mankind has ever seen before.

Dear Father, increase my faith. Keep pushing me to trust You more and more. I am willing to suffer so that my faith will be made greater. Holy Spirit, give me the strength to keep on going (1)so that I may know who my God is (2) so that what about killed me to trust You with is but "normal" to my children. May their faith just begin where my faith stops. And may they have the faith to move mountains that I never dared to dreamed of!

13 comments:

Melanie said...

Great post! It was such an encouragement to me this morning. Remember that you have a family that loves you and will be there for you no matter what.

Alicia said...

Wow - this is great. I appreciate you putting to words what I am sure many of us have felt.
I have had a reality check recently about whether I do really trust God to take care of us. When there is nothing that I can do about the stock market or what is going on around me - do I really trust that God loves me and will take care of me?
It is easy to say yes when things are going great. It has been a great challenge for me recently when things don't make sense to me. It is a great test of faith!

My brother in law works in ministry and they are running out of money. He asked his boss when they should start panicking. his boss said "when we realize God is dead." Such a short answer, but so right.
Hope your wrist is ok!

Anonymous said...

Holly - best post ever! Please keep writing. Sorry I wasn't there to help you :(.......Chris

Anonymous said...

Holly,
Awesome post. It's so amazing how our children can teach us the simplicity of Christ, we just get in the way & screw it all up. Not on purpose but our life experiences has tainted our perception. You've made that crystall clear in this post. SOMEONE needed to hear this, SOMEONE needed to know they are not alone. SOMEONE needs to know the simplicity of Christ
You are furthering His kingdom with this blog, don't you stop girl, it's just too good!!!
I love ya my sister & am praying for you during this season of life....
Renee

paige said...

I cried. Great entry! I had a very similar moment not too long ago when Ryan cluthced her hands before dinner when it was time to pray and said, "thank you for our food, and thank you for Jesus!" You never really realize how much they watch and learn until you hear something like that - when you didn't tell them to say it! That's sooo awesome! Thank you for your post!!! I loved it!!!!!

paige said...

p.s. we will lift you in prayer!

Faith said...

Wow, great post Holly. Thank you so much for sharing what God laid on your heart. It spoke to mine. Love ya girl!

BZ Ward said...

What a precious post. Seems I've had a lot of my growing-encounters on the floor also!! But God is soo faithful... Enjoy the adventure of utter dependence! It's hard, but oh how you'll be able to bless others.

Darlene said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, and your moment where God spoke to you.
Being a mom (sorry to sound cliche here - but I know what I am talking about), is really really really hard. And right now, I feel like everywhere I turn - FEAR is being shoved down our throats. Oh, it is so hard to walk by faith when we are just plain-old tired, and disillusioned to boot.

I feel like God has been saying to me, over and again, (since I am right where you seem to be... tumbling down with my baggage and stuff toppling me over):
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Oh, I do feel weary and burdened. I don't think I ever truly felt this way before...

I just could not bear to face this life without Him.

Darlene

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so real, and allowing me to know its ok to be normal. I struggle with the doubt, and staying focused as I have shared with you before. It's easy to walk in faith when things are all good. The real test is when things get rough, and you have built up your family to the point that they are able to build you up in a moment of weakness! It's amazing how God sets things up for us through us! hum, wow that one just came to me! LOve you girl, keep posting!
Glenia

ELKA said...

Wow, Holly! That was amazing. Thank you for sharing it. I feel so challenged by this post to trust God that NO MATTER what I see his promises are true. Love ya,

Kim

Anonymous said...

Awesome Post girl! And thank you so much for being authentic. Keep posting :o)

Holly said...

Thank you all so much for the encouraging words--I love how the Lord can take what one of us is struggling through, combine it with technology and we can all "spur eachother on to good works"--and to keep pressing on in the faith.

Thank you Barby for stopping by and commenting!